People will watch anything & my idea for the Mummy IV

I received a call from a couple of friends over the weekend asking if I wanted to join them in watching the new "Mummy" movie, "Tomb of the Dragon Emperor". I respectfully declined, saying that I wouldn't enjoy it, given I have a background in Asian history and just recently had surgery on my funny bone, and didn't want the stitchings to rupture from such hilarious lines as, "I hate mummies. They never play fair."

So anyway, my friends did go and see it and unsurprisingly reported back that it was idiotic and unfunny. This does nothing to dissuade me from my view that people will watch anything these days, even if Hollywood just resorted to having George Clooney take a dump on screen. So long as that dump could talk and then finish the film by exploding in a magnificent fireball of CGI awesomeness, I mean.

And I must admit that the total butchering and bastardizing of Chinese history present in this turkey annoyed me, as well as the fact that the majority of the audience didn't know the difference anyway. Well, I'll just cover the basics now and say that Qin Shi Huang, the First Emperor of China, was not called "Emperor Han" did not invent the Great Wall, did not fly or have mystical powers, and that his tomb was discovered about thirty years after the time they suggested it was in the Mummy. (One of my friends thought that they had at least placed the discovery of the tomb at the right time, but sorry, no.)

It's absurd and embarrassing to me that hacks like Alfred Gough and Miles Millar, who wrote this steaming pile of garbage, can find work through the utter rewrite of one of the lives of one of the most famous people in world history, and a paying audience would find nothing wrong with it. But hey, it's a game so easy that anyone can play it, and since it's clear that no one cares a wit about historical accuracy in filmaking, without further ado, I present to you BUDawg's submission for the Mummy IV: The Tomb of the Eagle King.

Virginia, 1940
Deep beneath the earth's surface




Annoying British sidekick: "I hate the dark. It never plays fair."

Brendan Fraser (pausing for audience laughter): "Quiet, Niles. You know we've got to find the Tomb of the Eagle King before the Nazis do. Ever since the Italians bombed Pearl Harbor last year, this has been the highest priority mission of the government."

Niles: "I hate Nazis too. They never play fair."






Suddenly and without warning, our heroes find that which they have been seeking.


Brendan Fraser: "Unbelievable. We've actually found the Tomb of the Eagle King. Now we've just got to open it so the Eagle King will grant us our three wishes."

Niles: "Three wishes? That's awesome. I gotsta get me one of the these!!!!"

Brendan Fraser (one minute pause here, waiting for side splitting laughter to subside): "Stand back, Niles! I'm opening the sarcophagus!"







After much struggle, Brendan succeeds in opening the sarcophagus, awakening the Eagle King!!!!!

Eagle King: "Who dares summon John Washington??!!! I, who am the great Eagle King and also first President of the United States???"

Brendan Fraser: "I do, your excellency. I ask now that you grant my three wishes."

Eagle King: "Insolent fool!!!! Who are you to ask this of John Washington, who pulled Excalibur from Niagara Falls and chopped down the mighty Cherry Tree???? I, who along with my knights of the round table, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King, and Daniel Boone, defeated the great dragon and granted independence to the United States of America????? I, who built the Washington Monument????? To gain your three wishes, we must battle!!!!"


The Eagle King emerges and transforms into a an enormous and terrifying CGI Eagle creature, who if you saw now, would make your head explode from its unrivaled awesomeness. So, instead, here is a picture of Crouching Tiger: Hidden Dragon co-star Zhang Ziyi:

Niles: "Damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

A great battle ensues, and Brendan Fraser emerges victorious. I would give you the details, but given it will be rendered in CGI, you wouldn't be able to follow what was going on anyway, so it doesn't matter.

Eagle King: "You have defeated me in battle, Brendan Fraser. I will grant your three wishes and return to an eternal slumber beneath the City of Richmond."

Brendan Fraser: "I do this not for myself, Great King, but for all of humanity. And so, in this year of 1940, I ask that you do these three things which are the greatest concern to all mankind. Bring us world peace, end the genocide in Darfur, and stop Global Warming."


Movie ends with Niles making a joke about playing "Gin Mummy" and Smashmouth or band of equal staying power singing a song over the closing credits.